Wings for Widows: Widowhood Q/A with Tricia Baltzersen

Questions Widows Have After Losing Their Spouse

Regardless of your age or background, there seems to be a common ground found among those who have lost a spouse. Particularly when facing the unfamiliar territory of navigating widowhood. Questions like how long to wear a wedding ring for, when is it okay to date again (if ever), and what is the “appropriate” amount of time to take off work to grieve. These questions and more are answered below from an educator of over thirty years, Tricia Baltzersen, who shares her wisdom and widowhood journey of raising two teenagers after her husband passed away unexpectedly at the age of 54.

In an open Interview with Tricia Baltzersen about widowhood, parenting after loss, and coping with grief at work, we learn how to make the best of cherishing past memories through preserved heirlooms and traditions that keep our loved ones close even when they are no longer with us.  

We recently had the pleasure of sitting down with our friend; Tricia, who has been a widow for almost 8 years after suddenly losing her husband, Mark, from a heart condition. Tricia was kind enough to share her grief journey with us as well as give her unique perspective on AJ Coleman’s new book, Keep Those Feet Moving: an 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. As many of you know, AJ’s book is about losing his beloved spouse, Cory, to brain cancer in 2008. Tricia felt that this book resonated with her as a widow- particularly in the sense of losing a spouse and becoming a single parent. Tricia had two teenagers to continue to raise after her husband passed and AJ Coleman was learning how to take care of his one-year-old daughter at the time and navigating all the challenges that came up over the years since his wife’s death. A portion of the book details AJ’s personal life during the profound loss of his wife. The book’s added bonus is not limited to AJ’s willingness to share his grief wisdom, but manifests in his positive outlook towards raising his daughter as a single parent. Desiring to create a memorable legacy, AJ inspires others facing the same heartache to cope and to keep those feet moving.

About Tricia: She has worked as an educator for three decades and continues to teach sixth grade. She also coaches basketball and spends her free time gardening, volunteering at the community food pantry, and assisting at a local funeral home. In today’s post, we share a Q/A on widowhood with Tricia Baltzersen, who has given much thought to these questions with the hopes of helping others in similar situations.

10 QUESTIONS EVERY WIDOW THINKS ABOUT

1. How long do I wear my wedding ring?

Tricia: “I don’t know the right answer. I teach how I live and the kids were awesome when I came back. (Referring to her students upon returning to the classroom after her late husband passed) I think I left my wedding ring on for the rest of that school year, and the next year I took it off. I tried wearing it on the right hand for a long time. The students ask some really hard questions. A lot of the time, they’ve experienced a loss during the school year, and we are able to connect and have a safe space knowing that we have gone through that. It seemed like the right time… I’m not much of a jewelry wearer as you can see. My daughter asked not too long ago what I planned on doing with the ring and I assumed I might be giving it to her… She jokes about using the diamonds from it. The big diamond ring in the middle was the diamond from the engagement ring that Mark’s dad gave to his mom. I like the idea of the ring being repurposed for something like that.”

2. What do I do with my partner's ashes?

Tricia: “They are in a small urn in my bedroom. When someone gets cremated, it is a LOT of ashes. My son has some ashes in his keychain. The plan has always been to bury both our ashes together, Mark’s with mine. Not everyone cremates, but it made the most sense for us to choose cremation because I wanted to have Mark close to me.”

3. How do I maintain a relationship with my in-laws?

Tricia: “The way I met Mark when I was 15, Mark was a very good friend of my friend’s brother. I started dating Mark when I was a sophomore in high school. Mark’s mom moved out to CA after his stepdad passed. I would still talk with my sister-in-law, Laura, during that time almost every day. I stayed in contact with Mark’s mom through Laura. Laura moved to CA after college and Gloria (Mark’s mother) went to live with her. Laura and Tricia were friends first before they became in-laws and because Mark has such little family still alive, Tricia claims that she is more family for Laura. Sadly, Gloria passed away. Her health was terrible, and she passed when she was 81 or 82 when she died. She struggled with grief hard in combination with an accident a couple years prior where her health started to decline. Tricia says there was a good relationship with her mother-in-law. The joke used to be that she could have watched me punch him in the face and she would have said “Mark, why did you do that to Tricia?” She was always on my side.”

4. What side of the bed do I sleep on?

Tricia: “The dog took over Mark’s spot and Doug snores just as much as Mark, so to answer the question I sleep on the side I always slept on.”

5. When is it okay to start dating again?

Tricia: “In AJ Coleman’s story, he had a companion to help him overcome the challenges of being a single parent. Whenever the right person comes along maybe…but, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I think the kids would be okay if I was dating. My daughter jokes that I should not go on Match.com. I know that a couple of years ago a guy that volunteered with me, had asked for my number and was texting me and said how about we go out to dinner? I was so put off, and mad at him for even thinking that I would want to go, my friends were like what is wrong with you, and clearly I was not ready. That was my sign that I am not ready to date because my reaction was so wrong and so off- so misplaced. I don’t feel lonely, I have lots of friends and things to keep me busy. I feel very loved and supported by people and I am so lucky to have all these people who would do anything for me.” One of my favorite quotes is: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So for dating, I think when I’m ready to cross that bridge I’ll have to go slowly and take things one step at a time.”

6. When do I go back to work?

Tricia: “Going back to the idea of staying busy. I took 8 days off after Mark passed, and went back to work. My friend Julie, whose husband died of lung cancer, took off the rest of the year. Our gym teacher who lost his wife suddenly, he came back half days almost immediately.  I say that to show that everyone approaches the situation differently and I wouldn’t say there is a right or wrong way to go about taking time off. For me being a teacher, absence equals twice as much work versus just being there. It was better for me to be there. The kids are going to have a million questions and let’s just rip off the band-aid. Life doesn’t stop, I still have commitments… Sometimes, I am not even sure I am done grieving.  I think if you talk to the lady at Starbucks in Algonquin… It was 4:30 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep so I went to Starbucks and by the time I got to the widow, I was sobbing.  I don’t know what the trigger was, I had like 6 steps from there to the widow… I just fell apart. Sometimes I am totally fine and then sometimes there is a trigger and it’s important to know the balance and being able to tell others hey, I am going to need a day or two or however long you need.”

7. What do I do with their belongings?

Tricia: “So I took all of Mark’s t-shirts and the kids t-shirts and for Christmas the following year, I had blankets made. Mark coached a lot of our son’s teams so one quilt had a combination of both the t-shirts. For the clothes, we repurposed a lot of those. For other things like the car, Mark drove an F-250 diesel truck….that was hard to get rid of. Our daughter learned to drive with that car, and it was tough to let that go. For the longest time, Mark used to wear this Casio, digital, clunky watch-the ugliest thing ever and every night it beeps at midnight. No idea how the battery still works, his sunglasses are in my bedroom. I gave them a truck, and they gave us two cars at the dealership. A lot of the stuff we still have. There are a couple of shirts and t-shirts I still have that I still wear for pajamas and stuff like that. The kitchen table that we bought together, our daughter is re-finishing it and using it in her new house. We moved after he died so we got rid of some things.  Mark didn’t die at our house so I think it would be way different if he died in our house as to whether I would have left everything “as-is.” The garage is decorated with a lot of license plates that he collected but as far as his toothbrush and personal hygiene items, we let go of that, but for things that are still useful such as tools I’ve kept for our son and to have in the house.”

8. How do I attend social events without my partner?

Tricia: “Sometimes it is awkward. I feel like the third wheel sometimes. With my college friends, it’s usually just the girls. Do I think I don’t get invited much to things because everyone else has a plus one? Sure. Sometimes I will go with my sister. She has been my go-to person or occasionally my daughter will go with me to certain events. For a while, I did avoid a lot of events because I did not want to be uncomfortable and I had to force myself outside my comfort zone. 99% of the time, the event was totally fine and the fear in my mind was the only thing keeping me from doing those things. Even 8 years later, it is still not easier.”

9. How do I explain my partner’s death to our children?

Tricia: “Our son was supposed to go back to college mid-day, when I called my sister with the news she went to the house and told both our kids that Mark wasn’t waking up and that he was taken to the hospital. Then other people started going to our house. When I got the news that he had died, my sister said to our kids that it looks like your dad is not going to make it, but your mom will tell you when she gets here. I remember standing in the family room and the three of us were just standing in a circle hugging. Once we were together, all of us just understood what happened and then the house just started filling up with people and food.”

10. How do I go on holiday without my partner?

Tricia: “We went the year after Mark died, that summer we went to California, and we went with his mom and sister. That was a good vacation. It was the right place to be with that side of the family. We drove up to Yosemite. Mark used to have this thing where he would make fun of certain words like how they were pronounced. For example, instead of green beans he would say “green bens” and instead of Yosemite he would say YO SEM IN ITE. Even though he wasn’t on the trip, there were a lot of things like seeing words we knew he would have said funny just reminded me of him so much and so the trip was therapeutic in a way. He was definitely part of that vacation. He was always a big vacation person. Every year we always had a big vacation and we would go with Laura and with some friends. After the CA trip, we went to Cabo for a 50th birthday. I do miss vacations because we used to go to Wisconsin all the time, and we don’t do those trips anymore. I have not taken a vacation with just myself and the kids, I don’t know if that would ever happened. Probably because that is not how we ever vacationed. We always went with other people.

Wrap Up: What are your thoughts on AJ Coleman’s Book, Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds?

Tricia: “Overall, I really liked AJ’s book because I completely agree with the entire philosophy of you just have to keep those feet moving. It’s not just a book specific to widowers, but I think anyone who experiences a significant loss will benefit from AJ’s wisdom and find encouragement for the hard days and hope throughout their grief journey.”

At Keep Those Feet Moving, we are grateful for the time and insight given by Tricia as she shares her personal journey with widowhood, grief and raising children as a single parent. Many others have also resonated with AJ’s words and found his story to be raw and full of motivation for anyone who is going through the loss of a spouse. Even for those who may not experience such a loss firsthand, his book hits home on topics that many others consider but may not openly address such as mental health, anxiety, difficulty in the workplace, parenting struggles, cancer and the aftermath, along with healthy ways to cope with grief, rediscovering faith and finding positivity to help get through even the darkest moments.

AJ Coleman’s Book, Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds is available now on Amazon. You can click here to purchase or leave a review if you found his book life changing as well.

To help AJ’s message reach more people, please share this blog and follow us on Instagram @keepthosefeetmoving and Facebook for more inspiring posts, resources and updates. Thank you for reading and as always, remember to Keep Those Feet Moving.

- AJ Coleman