Welcome to the Strong, single and human podcast. a real look at single parenting, how to navigate the ups and downs of life on your own while keeping sane. We cover all manner of subjects, from domestic violence, dealing with childhood trauma, through to fussy eaters and how to get your kids to become resilient. I’m your host, Claire Martin. Welcome.
AJ Coleman is the author of Keep those Feet Moving- A Widower’s 8-step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. Throughout AJ’s life, he has had to overcome tremendous challenges. Firstly as a child, AJ was frequently bullied for his hearing impediment, but instead of letting social challenges define him, AJ strived to overcome them. Then, in 2009, AJ faced the most painful challenge of all-losing his wife, Cory, to brain cancer when their daughter was just one-year old. AJ started the Keep Those Feet Moving Blog in 2013 to share his advice, experiences. and philosophical wisdom with the world. He was inspired to write his book by the encouragement of close friends and family members who were all astonished by how AJ was able to stay strong after losing Cory. Today, AJ lives in the suburb of Chicago. He is remarried with a blended family and focuses his time on raising his family and helping others overcome challenges. AJ’s story is truly an inspiration for all of us to just keep those feet moving no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. This is the Strong, Single and Human podcast.
Claire Martin: “Hi! Welcome, AJ Coleman! I’ll give you a full title, AJ Coleman, welcome to the podcast!”
AJ: “Thank you for having me. I am excited to be here.”
Claire: “Yes! Thank you for coming on board. It’s been a little while since we spoke last, and so look.. I’ve given a brief synopsis about who you are and such, but tell us about you and your journey and how you came to write Keep Those Feet Moving.”
AJ: “I never thought that I would ever write a book. If you were to ask me years ago about writing, I probably would have thought that it was the most foreign thing you can think about, but sometimes life has unexpected turns and leads you to new journeys. When I had lost my wife due to brain cancer back in 2009, I started thinking about how can I cope? How can I grieve? How can I overcome my own challenges? I’m thinking about my daughter who at that time was young and who really has no memory of her mother from physical standpoint.”
Claire: “How old was your daughter?”
AJ:”She was sixteen months old when her mother passed.”
Claire: “Wow. Sixteen Months.”
AJ:”Yeah, so I tried to think a little bit different. I started writing the book a little bit as a memoir for her, my thoughts and kind of gather what her mother was like. Little by little, things started to come together, and it was a therapeutic process for me really opening up. Because I’m not somebody who really opens up and shares my feelings especially with people I don’t know, but the book was really important not only for my daughter to see but it enabled others who have gone through similar grief to really understand that they’re not alone. I feel you with the book.”
Claire: “For a person who doesn’t open up and express himself to other people and is private, right? You put it out there in your book. You really put it out there in the book. So um, did you write every day? Did you like..Is that what you did? You sat down and your daughter would go to bed and you would write? How did you do this?”
AJ: “It was interesting. So, I wrote a very rough draft. It was actually thirteen chapters. My lucky number, thirteen.”
Claire: ”Wow.” I’m not sure I… I’m very suspicious.. sus- I’m not suspicious, but like I’m yeah I don’t have any thirteens in my world at all. I’m...what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s too early in the morning for me… umm. Eh... I can’t remember the word. What is it? What’s the word? Where you don’t have… where you can’t have…where you don’t like number thirteen in your world?”
AJ: “Ohh, uhmm.. “
Claire: “Superstitious! I’m superstitious. I’m superstitious.”
AJ: “Yep!”
Claire: “So I’m superstitious, so yep, I don’t do thirteen. Wow, good job for you there.”
AJ: “I’m the opposite. I’m the opposite.”
Claire: ”Oh, really?”
AJ:”I was born on a thirteenth. I turned twenty-one on Friday the thirteenth, turned sixteen on Friday the thirteenth… so uh, thirteen’s a lucky number for me.”
Claire: ”Oh wow, it is. Okay, fair enough.”
AJ: “Yeah, yeah. Uh so what happened with the book was very raw just airing out my thoughts, airing out my feelings, and I really didn’t know what to expect. I started shopping around to different editors and two of them politely declined. It just wasn’t them. They thought it was almost too raw. And then I joined up with an editor’s company like Book Launchers, and they really saw potential. They interviewed me, gathered my thoughts and assigned a writing coach to me. What helped me kind of find a voice in the system. And I had a really strong mentor, and he challenged me to pretty much re-vamp what I had written from a raw material and go deeper. Even though I didn’t want to go deeper, he pushed me to go deeper. The first chapter was tough, the second chapter was a little bit easier, but the entire book I would say from the raw part to the final part was written in like two months.”
Claire: “Wow!”
AJ: “Every night, every night I wrote, I worked together and sent it off to my editor. He reviewed it and gave me feedback and the next chapter with the information. Just to get going, writing a book is costly too, right? Sometimes people take hours and days just to write simple chapters.”
Claire: “Well here’s the thing, right? Writing a book is like a podcast, right? Everyone thinks it’s easy and then you start doing it, and somebody said to me “writing the book is the easy part, sending it and getting it edited is the hard part, right?” Editing a book can take eighteen months, right?”
AJ: “Yes.”
Claire: “And that’s the hard part, cause you’ve written it, and you think “I’m done. That’s all good here.” and then it’s backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards editing it, changing stuff. So, yeah. Hats off to you! They say everyone’s got a book in them, but um I haven’t found mine yet. I prefer to be talking. So looking ahead, how did you deal with the grief then? Well, writing is one of them, but they say there’s seven stages of grief. Is that what you experienced?”
AJ:" “I’m not really sure if I experienced every stage you know? A lot of it was on my own trying to find my way, trying to understand. I’ve spent my entire life I guess preparing for grief. Going up ahead with some of my childhood with my disability all the way up to trying to overcome different challenges and it just put me in a position and I only knew one way to go and that was full speed ahead. When my wife passed away, I knew I had to be strong for our daughter. I knew that in my private moments, I can break down but to everyone else in the outside world I had to remain strong as people were looking to me to lead sort of them through and they feed off my emotion. They feed off my energy, so if I’m poised, if I’m calm, I think it just helps people going through that grieving process and I know that if I was hysterical or crying that others would engage or mimic almost like they are watching. But I did not have any support I would say to walk me through those grief stages. I just learned it on my own, went at my own pace and at the end its really just an opportunity for me to help others not follow the same footsteps. Sometimes I might have been in a different place if I had gone through some counseling understanding. But when you’re a single parent and everyone is expecting you to fail.”
Claire: “When do you get the time? When do you get the time as well, right?” This is the thing. So, you didn’t have any family around you and such?”
AJ: “I did have some family living with me. I was very close with my aunt and uncle who provided me with some guidance. My parents provided some support as well. My wife’s family did as well. But in terms of having someone to really sit down with an air out my feelings and my thoughts, it wasn’t like that at all. It was just again, just trying to show that I can handle being a single dad, having a full-time career but also with grieving everything at once. Again it goes back to my childhood past. I’ve always felt that I had to overcome any obstacle. Having great support can only get you so far. A lot of it is you have to find the will within yourself to push you to overcome. To push you to that next step. That’s not easy. It’s not for everybody, but you have to find that inspiration, that motivation from somewhere.”
Claire: “So how did you though? What was that like? How did you do that, how did you find it? Because like I can imagine there must be times where it would hit you at different times, right… so you would be somewhere where everything would be normal but they’re be a memory or something that would hit you. And then how do you not break down? How do you not go crazy for one of a better word?”
AJ: “That’s a fair question. I think a lot of it actually stems from my past or my childhood. It’s just.. growing up was tough. I was always trying to be one step ahead of everybody else and through the disability I had with my hearing impairment that it’s almost like people expected me to fail. People expected me to struggle, and I was always trying to prove to them that I’m not going to fail. I’m not going to struggle. And the saying translated to grief, the same mentality that prepared me and I knew again when you’re on that stage, people are looking.”
Claire: “Yeah”
AJ: “I will say in that private moment very early on I would have some breakdowns, come home and be like “oh my gosh, what happened.” but then I would think about my daughter, staying strong for her. Enjoying my moments with her and showing her that what she has lost, we can still gain to some capacity. And she is really my inspiration to move me through some of those really challenging times when I had no one to talk to.”
Claire: “Well, this is the thing like and this next question is going to sound really crazy, right? What’s the hardest part? I mean I know the hardest part was probably losing your wife, right? But, after you lost her what was the hardest part, the hardest thing for you to deal with?”
AJ: “I think its.. the hardest part was more managing other people’s reactions when they found out like “oh you’re a single dad raising a young girl? How does that happen? How do you overcome issues like going to the men’s restroom or going to a changing station that doesn’t exist, talking to different people who had playdates with children where they play together. Having to be a presence there was always a challenge cause it’s not like the “mom and mom interaction”, it’s a “dad and a mom interaction” certain things like that. I think just managing the expectations and sort of the culture shock. I was only 33 years old at the time. What did I know about being a dad? But here I am trying to navigate through the channels of that. It was interesting. I learned a lot. I learned to really appreciate what moms go through on a daily basis and understand that they are truly superheroes at what they go through. I’m trying to balance both but as you know when you try to do both you don’t really get anywhere.”
Claire: “No, you’re right. But also, you’re a man dealing with grief who has a sixteen-month old daughter who also has to work, right? And you’re working in environment that is basically not geared up for men to be looking after children 100% of the time. Like, for me being a single mom (I don’t know if it’s expected) but being a mom, if your child’s ill, if your child’s sick… I can go “I don’t feel as though I can’t say to my workplace and say my child is ill, I need to go, or something came up at school,” I don’t feel guilt. I don’t get looked at in a particular way where people go like “Oh, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your job.” I can imagine for you that must have been pretty tough. You were 33 as well, so all that career building…everything.”
(15:58) AJ: “It was a challenge.” I actually had come back to work looking to escape and really change my mindset, and kind of focus on something that I can accomplish instead of taking the time off to really grieve and to always be thinking about it. Actually, I was laid off not too long after due to some of the changes here in the U.S. with the economy (the recession). That was a challenge-finding work on top of that and trying to have the storyline of “I’m a single dad when I leave.” In the United States it’s really a challenge as a single parent because you’re expected to work x amount of hours and you’re trying to push your career, you’re trying to maintain balance with your children. But lot of times there are a lot of people who just aren’t supportive of those single families or even parents who are together and you have a child who needs attention, you have one parent who can go and be with them. It’s really different. You make it work. You find things. I’ve learned that I have some really good people that I worked with that understood, and there were some other people who didn’t understand, but I knew it wasn’t my job to try and convince them to understand. Either they got it or they don’t.”
Claire: “Yeah”
AJ: ”It’s sort of a mentality I had to take and shrug. My daughter’s the most important person for me and whatever she needed I was there. And if there were times I couldn’t be there because of something I had someone that I could call, and somebody attend that.”
Claire: “Yeah, I know. Because that is so important to actually have that. At least to have a little network or a little village to help support you. One of the biggest things I find is that I feel guilty calling on other people to help you out. I don’t know if you went through that, but it’s almost like “ugh, I don’t want to ask this person again to do x,y, and z, but when you’ve got no one that’s what you have to do, isn’t it?”
(18:30) AJ: “It is hard to ask for help. Because again people look at you or someone will say “I told you that person couldn’t do it on their own. They need more support. They knew that they couldn’t do something.” I think there is a part of us that carries ourselves very highly. We feel like we’re superheroes, we can do everything. And then when we do ask it’s not because we’re weak or were frustrated. It’s just a conflict. We can’t be in two places at once. I think there is this perception we have as single parents where it’s like “oh, you need help, that means you can’t do it on your own.” Sometimes people take that same perception and carry it into the workforce environment and say well, If this person can’t handle their child, or they need help here, can they do the work there? It’s just unfortunate stereotyping, I think.”
Claire: “Yeah.”
AJ: “Asking for help is always… you don’t to want to be perceived as that perception based, but I think people are always going to put that label on you, that’s why it’s so difficult as a parent. And that’s why single parents they rely on each other for that support.”
Claire: “Yes. Well also we understand (other single parents understand) how bloody hard it is, (Laughs) and how challenging it is. You’re not only navigating your child(ren), right? But you’re also navigating (I mean “you” you’re not in your case), you’re navigating other people or ex- partners or whatever and dealing with that. Yeah, that’s full-on, full-on. Was there anything that surprised you about all of this?”
AJ: “I think one of the surprises was more so looking back as to how I was able to navigate through a lot of the uncertainty. Really looking at that accomplishment as my own personal achievement. There are nights where you just struggle to get through mentally because of the void. Because maybe the child or you’re missing what things could be like. There are other aspects where we’d go out and have fun, we’d take vacations, and we do things. That’s called living life. A lot of times we talk about growing up and we grow up pretty darn quickly in these situations when you come with grief with small children. Even with just regular children who may be at the adult age, you still looking to lead. I think the bigger surprise for me was looking back at how far I’ve come, and you know it’s funny when you write a book you have a dedication. You sort of dedicate the book to somebody of importance and as you get more I guess readers or more of a following that’s when people get creative with some of their dedications. I was once told in my workplace that I was a terrible, I didn’t know how to write. I thought about dedicating my book to the person in a derogatory sense who said I couldn’t write, and I chose not to because I was thinking about my daughter. But when you look back at the accomplishments like “hey, during this process I wrote a book. During this process, I was able to navigate my career into a different aspect. I was able to get my daughter who is now fifteen years old getting ready to drive, and all these things I look back and I’m just proud of these accomplishments. I know a lot of people who are sitting in my position are also, but they don’t take the time to celebrate those small wins or take the time to look back. That’s where I think the biggest surprises are. We got here. We got here somehow.”
(22:42) Claire: “That’s right, we got here somehow. You get on with it. When you’re in the moment, it’s bloody hard. Then you look back on it and you go “wow.” Cause I look back over the last six years and I go “Okay, it’s been really tough.” And when I recount some of the things I’ve done and been through, right? And you go like “Wow, I forgot about that.” I forgot that was like so bloody hard, it was so like a fearful situation to be in.” Yeah, we sort of got through it. My son’s fine, he’s doing well at school and doing all the things as a parent you would want. And as a single parent, when I started on the single parent journey…I don’t know if it was the same as you, but I was like “ugh, single parent kids or kids that come from divorces…they end up in crime, taking drugs, doing it all … My kid’s only seven, and hopefully he won’t go down that avenue, but you never know, right? He’s doing so well, he’s thriving and so you sort of sit there and go “that’s a myth, right?” I don’t know. What did you think?”
AJ: “As parents, I think we’re harder on ourselves than we should be. It’s like when we were younger and we take our child to daycare for a day, we feel so guilty about dropping them off at 7 o’clock in the morning and picking them up at 6 p.m. because of a work schedule or something else. Our children are excited, they are happy to be there. They flourish with the other kids, just chatting away. And as parents, sometimes we’re harder on ourselves with that aspect. They do turn out well, but I also think there is that connectivity that we have as single parents with our children where they have more one-on-one time. Where perhaps where one authoritative person in my situation where you know my wife wasn’t there….”
Claire: “Same as mine.”
AJ: “…We have that closeness today that my daughter and I have. I want my daughter to come and tell me these things …I always say, “just tell me what it is, we’ll figure it out as we go along. You’re not going to get in trouble.” She’s starting to ask some tough questions, but they do turn out well. I really do believe that myth is just based on movies, maybe shows, but we work hard as parents every day to set the example and set the tone. I do think our children mimic the actions that we have. So If we’re strong and poised, the children grow up to be strong and poised. If we break down or we have behavioral concerns as adults, the child may develop that because that’s all they know. I think we have that opportunity from ground-day one to really influence them to change that myth about that.”
Claire: “How did you deal with having a daughter, right?” Like you’re a dad, right? There are a lot of things that mums and daughters do that your daughter wouldn’t have experienced, right? Like nail salons and various different"…” (laughing)
AJ: (Laughing) “It is a challenge.”
Claire: “Yeah, and obviously things like puberty things that girls go through that dads don’t normally have to deal with the icky, period stuff and questions and boys and all of that malarky. How did you deal with it?”
AJ: “One of the things we do in our household is we just go with the flow. My daughter and I just go with it, and that’s something I’ve tried to teach her early on is that we just go with it. We’ll figure things out. When it comes to certain things like the nail salon, right? I can’t replicate the same experience she would have with her mom or something like that. It’s a special bonding that moms and children have where they go to the salon where they sit together. It might be a little awkward. There are people that go to the salon and get their nails done and all that other stuff too.”
Claire: “Machine gun Kelly! Don’t even go there!”
AJ: “Yeah! She’s just like “okay dad.” I drop her off, I sit there in the waiting room dealing with all the fumes that are coming out all areas and kind of cringing. She’s just at a little table getting her nails done and enjoying it, but it’s not the same experience. But as a single dad raising a daughter, you do have that bond but there are some areas where you do get yourself stuck with some of the medical concerns, the things that I wouldn’t necessarily think about as a dad. I got lucky dressing her, because here in the United States for the first couple of years all the outfits matched. So I was able to go shopping with her and at least know that the pants that I picked out a top, there’s a matching top that goes with it.”
Claire: “Oh, I never thought of that!”
(28:22) AJ: “But if you look at all the pictures of her growing up when she was little, you can just see she was always in like polo shirts, very well-dressed. I didn’t know how else to dress her because again, you’re thinking about the perception of others, right? And if I put her in a t-shirt does that mean I’m dressing her down? Putting her in a sundress was important cause you wanted to teach her certain things. There were some challenges like that, right? How do I know what’s proper, how do I know what’s not proper? And trying to teach her to be ladylike in certain aspects, respect and being polite. She’s very talkative, my daughter. She’s always been very talkative.”
Claire: “Oh, my son.” (Agreeing)
AJ: “There were times where I would take her to the men’s room.”
Claire: “I know! Because at the end of the day, right like my son comes into the ladies’ with me. Like it’s normal, right? And I will say he’s seven, right? So, at seven, I’m like I’m not sure I’m comfortable with him going into a men’s room on his own, right? And I can’t go in! So, he comes into the ladies, but it’s not an issue, right? Because there’s other women in there with their kids, right? But with you, it must have been like…”hello? what’s this girl doing in here?”
AJ: “Yeah, well with my daughter since she’s so talkative…sometimes she just walks in and says hello to everybody. And you know in the men’s room…
Claire: “Oh, that’s funny.”
AJ: “You’re very focused on doing what you’re doing…”
Claire: “And I’ve never been in one.”
AJ: “That’s like the one unwritten rule. Go in there, do your business and leave.”
Claire: “Yeah, don’t talk.”
AJ: “She’d go in there and be like “Hi everyone! What’s going on?” and like people are like looking at me and I thought I was going to get punched out a couple of times. But then you know, the men’s room is pretty disgusting too, right? I had to put her on the toilet and try to teach her to at least go without touching anything. You know, so these are like little awkward situations that I put myself into. But you do it, right? As a parent, you do things and sometimes you try to make light of it many years later and look back at it. You know, kids ask a lot of funny questions especially in the bathroom and it’s sometimes things you don’t want to hear about or do. Like “Why is that man standing there with his pants around his ankle?” “Well, that’s how he goes.” You know, I can’t help you, and she’s like asking questions and doing other things. Like “why did that man just walk out without washing his hands?” And I’m like “I don’t have an answer.”
(31:27) Claire: “Good daughter, good daughter, calling people out like that. Oh, that’s funny. Yeah, that’s so funny. Well, this is the thing, right? And in a female toilet, right? We’re all in cubicles. We’re not standing there out on display. We’re all in cubicles, so it would be a bit bizarre but yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. We’re there any times you had to be careful because you’re male and she’s female you know daughter-father situations where people might question you about anything?”
AJ: “More so people were just surprised.”
Claire: “Ah, Okay.”
AJ: “Like a single dad, again I did my best to dress her appropriately. I did my best to dress her in clothes that she would enjoy, alright? It’s not like when I look at my baby pictures my parents put me in like a blue shirt with red pants. You know? That was probably… You know, I’m not sure what they were thinking back then, but I did my best not to replicate that same aspect. There are certain times where we got into some challenges especially on the registration for kindergarten. Where it asks you- are you married, are you single, divorced… it had everything, but it didn’t have anything about being a widower or a widow or something like that. So I couldn’t register her because it was done online and there was nothing for me to check!”
Claire: “Wow”
AJ: And when I talked to the front office, I asked what do? They said “Oh, just put down, ‘single'.’ I was like no no, no, you have to make sure it’s appropriate because kids today they understand the stereotyping, they understand the label, and teachers have to understand that not every child comes from the same type of household.”
Claire: “Yeah!”
AJ: “I’ll give you an example: When I was in preschool, my daughter… they were making something for Mother’s Day. Very much of a Hallmark-type holiday, and my daughter didn’t do anything because the words they used were “Let’s make something for your mom!”
Claire: “She doesn’t have one.”
AJ: “She didn’t understand, right!” But if they said, you could make something for your mom, your aunt, your grandma, or something she would have just been good there. But they didn’t do that and when they asked her why she wasn’t making anything for her mom, she remarked “my mom is dead, what do you want me to do now?” And I got the call because she exhibited hostility to the teacher and I had to come pick her up and I said, “You guys need to read the file.” but again, it’s all the checkmarks what is on that registration and that’s what’s really critical as single parents is that they (referring to the school) conform to what type of household we have.”
(34:44) Claire: “Wow! That’s unbelievable. So we’ve got Father’s day coming up soon here in Australia. And basically they have Father’s Day stores at the schools so actually, and I’ve asked my son’s school what it’s got. It’s a Father’s Day school or like a special person like a grandparent, I forget how they word it. And my son every year for Mother’s Day buys a pen for me that says “I love my mom",” and I love it. But last year all the I love my mum pens were gone (or earlier this year) so I’ve got an “I love you, nana” pen but hey, that’s okay. I don’t want him to make me a nana. But yeah, they sort of include everyone just because of the situation that you’re stating, right? People become single parents for so many different reasons, it’s not because they’re going through a divorce or anything like that so that’s…yeah.”
AJ: “There’s no real blueprint. Parenting…there is no blueprint, and some people just catch on. They swing it as they go. Others make it more of a priority that they be heard. Again, there is no right or wrong in my opinion. I think we are all swimming in the same direction, advocating for our children trying to be the best role model. It be interesting if you talked to them twenty years later what they thought of growing up in your household. But we try to give them the values. We try to teach them to be more accepting, and a lot of times people will say “What’s it like having a daughter and raising her on your own?” “I don’t know what the difference is.” I don’t know what its like to raise two children. That’s what I’d say to others who have two children or three children. Like how do you balance three children all at once? It’s interesting when you change it to that perspective. People go, “huh, that’s a good point.”
(37:07) Claire: “Yeah, exactly.” How did you deal with the death of your wife, the death of your daughter’s mother with your daughter? Because she was like so young. Sixteen months, right? How did it affect her, I can imagine that she can’t really remember very much? But like then how do you then keep her mother’s memory alive? Because it’s important.
AJ: “Very important.” There are some people who go through grief who don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to mention anything, they basically shut down and that’s what they like to do. For me, I mean, my daughter was so young when it happened so it wasn’t like I had to sit down and break the news to her. But all the time, there were certain things I would share with her. For instance, when I talked about her mother and how she ended up passing away. I would use the term that “she had an illness” not that she was “sick” because when kids get sick with a cold and a sniffle, they would use the word sick here. But when they hear illness, it’s a whole different dynamic of their mindset. So it doesn’t scare her. She knows that her mother had an illness, that her mother wasn’t sick. So, when I take my daughter to the doctor, and the doctor says, “Oh, Zoey, you’re sick.” She’s like “Oh, Okay, I’m not going to end up like my mother.”
Claire: Which is pretty important to think about that, really. I never would have thought about that, but it is pretty important, right? Cause kids worry about the craziest of things and something like that would be, could cause angst.
(39:00) AJ: “It does. Again, I think little things that do matter and how we go through the details to keep her memory alive. We celebrate the anniversary of her passing with a celebration. We go out for dinner, we celebrate, and we make it known. Her birthday, other things like that we do make sure that her memory is with us. I think it’s important for her (Zoey) to know that her mother really loved her, and the storybook ending that I like to share with people kind of closed a little bit of that uncertainty and that grief is. When my wife (and I didn’t even know in that moment) when it was time for her to go. I brought our daughter to the hospital. She came with my in-laws that morning. And my wife was cuddling with her, gave her a kiss and everything and it was time to go to lunch and my wife wanted to go to sleep. I find comfort knowing that it wasn’t me that was the last image that my wife saw, it was our daughter. And that’s what she wanted to see and that’s how the storybook ending. So, when I share that with my daughter, she feels kind of special.”
Claire: “Well, exactly. That’s what she should do.”
AJ: “Yeah! Well, her mother- the last person she kissed, the last person she saw was her (Zoey). Not me, not anybody else, not a nurse, not a doctor or anything, it was the daughter. And that helps with that coping too, right? It’s something that we have experienced something that we feel like that storybook ending. It not only helps the children, but it also helps us find some of that therapeutic ways to help get through some of those tough days and challenges. That’s why I’m able to speak more openly. Had I not had that opportunity and I wasn’t present if that would’ve happened. But we celebrate her all the time, and we keep her spirit alive and that’s what the book is also for. We are, my wife’s legacy is the stories that we tell that enable others to continue to experience the life that she had.”
Claire: “Exactly, exactly. I think it’s so important. Did your daughter get to a certain age where she asked a lot of questions? Or was it all the way through? Like even now?”
AJ: “It was all the way through. I mean some of the questions were more point-blank at the time like “Why did mommy have to die?” “Why did mommy get an illness? Why did this…why…?” But then the questions started changing to “Wow, what could we have done? What could you have done different” A more understanding is more of the root cause. She is very much a “mini-me” in terms of how we think from a risk-management standpoint. She is every bit of my wife in terms of the personality and the humor and the softness. It’s funny how kids have a blended balance sometimes of both parents. In terms of her level of thinking. She thinks about the questions before she asks.
(42:43) Claire: “It’s interesting how you said the questions change and almost like she’s gone though. Although she’s so young, she’s gone through a grieving process with well with her mom as well. Being so young you obviously don’t have a similar attachment like you would have had with your wife, right? and the fact that it’s your wife and you loved her, married her and all those things, but when it’s your mom… you wouldn’t have experienced… I guess it’s different depending on the ages that you are. Being so young, she’s going though her grieving, right? Her anger is such of what happened. What can we do any why.? Yeah. Yeah.”
AJ: “It’s funny. Depending on your faith, depending on your views, right? I believe in the heavens and I believe there are- we ascend when we pass. There are times where, my daughter and I, as we got to the bedtime routine, she wanted to stay up a little bit later like an extra ten or fifteen minutes makes a world of a difference to her. Sometimes as a parent, we are so tired by the end of the day. She’ll throw out the card “well, I think mommy would want me to stay up another fifteen more minutes and I can hear another story!” And I’d say something like “I think mommy says it’s time to go to bed because she wants to go to bed because she’s been watching over you all day and you’ve been running around in circles!” It’s funny how we sort of play around off of each other. I’ve always told her she’s got the best of both worlds. She’s got me here and she’s got her mother watching over her from afar. There are times where I do believe that my daughter has gotten into some challenges, some tough jams and suddenly came out of there without any issues. And I do believe it’s her mother who is protecting her.
Claire: “Yeah.”
(44:54) AJ: “That kind of brings me to my next point, as parents we’re so invested with our children that at the end of the day, we’re so exhausted. My daughters fifteen, right? I still put her to bed at night. She wants me to put her to bed.
Claire: “That’s okay.”
AJ: “Most people would say, “hey, how long are you going to continue this for?” And I think about all those parents who don’t have that opportunity anymore, and that’s what motivates me to keep doing it. There’s going to be a day where she’s going to say, “Dad, you don’t need to put me to bed anymore. I’ll go to bed on my own.” And until that day comes, it means I’m doing my job. And I think that’s where we can give back as parents is our time, our memories that we create with our children that they can take with for a lifetime.
Claire: “I must admit where there’s challenging times and I’m just like “oh my, please go to sleep!” Because he’s just jabbering away and all I want to do is like get on with stuff in the house. I have to tell myself that this is special, right? Like exactly what you said, some parents don’t get a chance to do this and also like it won’t be forever (is what I keep telling myself) although now you’ve just told me you still put your daughter to bed at fifteen, right? So now I’m thinking I only have another two/three years of this and then he’ll be like “no mom, I’m alright, thanks.” Yeah, Gawd! Crickey!”
AJ: “Yeah, they form this attachment. I mean I was informed that I’m going back to college because when my daughter goes to college, she wants me to come with her.”
Claire: “My son says he’s never going to leave! And I’m like, no, no no, you can leave, you can move out.” He’s got a British passport as well as an Australian passport. And I’m like no, no, no, I want you to experience the world! Go to the U.K., go see your uncle! Go see your nephew, your cousins! (My nephews) Go experience the world, go work over there, do whatever! It’ll be great! Give mummy a break!” (laughing)
AJ: (chuckling along) “Yeah, like I said before, children today the way the adapt… I feel is how we handle, and if they see we’re okay as parents then they’re okay.
Claire:” Yeah. Did you ever get counseling for the grief or was that the writing and yeah?”
AJ: “Yeah, I did not get counseling for the grief itself. That was all just digging through phases, just pushing ahead. The writing of the book did help bring out some additional emotions. Again, looking back at the accomplishments like “oh my gosh!” We all handle grief differently and in my book I talk about life is like a roller coaster. You know? We go up and down, some people put their hands up, some people sit closed to their chest (their hands), some people scream, some people cry, some people get sick afterwards, but at the end of the day you’re always at the same place as you started with the roller coaster ends. And that’s how our perceptions of life, we have that ability to change. We have that ability to take someting that is tragic and use it for the greater good. Such as trying to help others.
Claire: “Exactly, exactly. How long did your grief last? I think for one, it dissipates for lack of a better word but like how did it take you to get over that?”
AJ: “I mean we never really truly get over our loss.”
Claire: “No.”
AJ: “But what happens is we have the opportunity to say that the grief no longer impacts us, or we’re going to move outside of our bedroom or outside of our four walls. I decided very early on that I was not going to let the grief stop me from doing anything. When I go out and about, I just make sure that I know I need to hold myself up high and if I need to have a private moment or break down, I can allow myself to do that. But I decided I wasn’t going to turn a moment of mourning into a lifetime.”
Claire: “Yeah.”
AJ: “That’s why we celebrate life, why we celebrate the milestones, the accomplishments. But again, it’s easier said than done. A lot of people who are in these situations just can’t see. And grief comes in different phases. Sometimes people don’t experience grief until weeks or months later, you know they’re still in shock. What just happened?”
Claire: “Sometimes you just got to give yourself time when that happens to get through. And it can be all different time frames when it happens. It can take a year, it can be five years, and it doesn’t mean or say that you think of that person any less, it’s just how you deal with the situation yourself and sometimes counseling helps. Sometimes you can get through it without counseling and deal with different situations like you did or write a book. Get it down on paper. Talk about it. It depends, everyone deal with it in different ways, don’t they? That’s the thing.”
“AJ: “I think a lot of it has to do with what type of loss. Was it sudden loss? Like a tragic accident or a passing due to a medical condition that’s unfortunate or is this something that is more long-term? Selfishly, people who have more of a long-term grief process in terms of like an illness who are sort of preparing for the unknown, it’s not as shocking as opposed to a sudden tragic loss. The differences are people have a much greater impact because of that shock.”
Claire: “Yeah because you don’t have much of that time to prepare to say what you need to say to that person, etc. etc. Yeah, no. That’s fair enough. That’s fair enough. So your book, Keep Those Feet Moving, where can people get it from if people want to get it or read this or just want to understand your story?”
AJ: “Well, thank you for the opportunity for me to share. There are two places. One you can go to Keepthosefeetmoving.com which is our website. You can download, excuse me, you can buy the book on there. There’s a link to Amazon on the page. Or you can go to Amazon.com and look for Keep Those Feet Moving by AJ Coleman on there and you will see the book. We also have e-books as well for those who like to read electronically and paperback if you like to physically hold a page-by-page type book. The book is also able to walk you through 8 steps of my life through grief. Not necessarily grief from the loss of my wife, but also the grief of a disability, grief of loss of a job, grief of loss of companionship, spirituality. While reading the book, it challenges you through exercises to kind of get you to formulate your own kind of strength and see where you want to grow internally both professionally as well as personally. It’s designed to be “light reading” in a sense that you could read through it in a couple of hours, on a plane. You could probably finish it within a three hour plane ride.”
Claire: “Crickey! That’s awesome. That’s awesome! Can people contact… like if people want to speak to you directly, could they contact you by the Keepthosefeetmoving.com, could they contact you there? Yeah? That’s awesome. Thank you for today. Thank you for like opening up to us. Becasue it’s hard, it’s like really hard to be able to open up to people. I’m a person who tends to like to keep that sort of down on the low, low-down. But um, I’ve just um, your honesty has been really good. Thank you for being honest with us. You’ve got kids as well, it’s not just about you dealing with all that. It’s about your kids dealing with it as well. I’ve got one final question for you. What piece of advice was given to you that you still use today? "
AJ: “My favorite advice of all time is something my grandfather used to say- “Every day is a good day.” That’s something I take with me every day. I know my cousins, my uncles do the same. It really resonates. No matter how bad your day may be, the challenges you face, every day is still a good day.”
Claire: “Yeah.”
AJ: “If you have the opportunity at nighttime to recycle, recharge for the next day. And when times are tough, you just have to keep those feet moving.”
Claire: “Yeah, I know. I agree. And if you’re having a bad day, just go to bed. Because tomorrow is another day, right? You’ll wake up and you’ll be completely different. It’s amazing how that happens. Look, thank you again. I’m going to let you get on your merry way. Have a great day!”
AJ: Thank you. Thank you for the wonderful opportunity this is. I hope to inspire to follow in these footsteps.”
Claire: Thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, and would like to hear more please hit subscribe wherever you like to hear podcasts. If you would like to support us further, share this episode with yout friends and family and finally drop us a review on itunes as I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments and ideas. It all helps me to understand and produce awesome content you like to hear just like this.
To continue listening to the rest of the podcast click here: Strong Single and Human Podcast - EP139 - AJ Coleman - Keep Those Feet Moving — A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. | Free Listening on Podbean App
Giving insight on how AJ came to write Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds despite not being a writer or even liking the idea of sitting down to write. Opening up about the realization of editing challenges, cost and timeline it takes to write a book, AJ shares how he spent his entire life “preparing for grief” between his upbringing- living with a disability, having to be strong for his family and daughter as well as multiple job losses and setbacks that only made him more resilient.
AJ talks about the support system at the time of losing his late wife, Cory, and how it wasn’t what he expected. Much of his strength came from finding motivation and inspiration through the obstacles he overcame in his past. Growing up with a hearing impairment, Aj was used to navigating loneliness and he channeled his focus
the hardest part is managing other people’s reactions and their expectations. He was only 33 years old when he became a solo parent and he talks about the struggles of trying to be both mom and dad to his young daughter while being a new dad.
Strong, Single and Human is a uniquely real podcast dedicated to all the single parents navigating through the challenges of raising children alone. No matter how you became a single parent, it is the hardest thing you will ever do. We talk about the real side of single parenting with all its impacts, worries and issues,. Listen to interviews with single parents who have dealt with many challenging situations and come through the other side.