Fatherhood in My Shoes: How To Move Forward in Parenting After a Loss
Written by author AJ Coleman from Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8- Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds
Over the years, people asked me what it’s like being a widower and raising a daughter on my own. There are many perceptions about what life’s like after the loss of your spouse, but here’s one of my takes among the many I have written about in my book, Keep Those Feet Moving:
We live through our children. The children are our legacies. As we continue to age, the stories shared and passed down are for the children and perhaps grandchildren to remember us by. Children bring enjoyment, excitement, and a little chaos too. These moments keep us alive and laughing.
Another take is that life does go on, and so do we. Over time, we learn to cope, stretch our wings, and fly again. And when we look back, we smile at how far we’ve come. No one said it would be easy. There are challenging days and good days. What’s most important is how we’ve grown from the experiences.
Life as a single father certainly has its highs and lows. Almost always, the reactions I received from others about how I was doing as a father were heartfelt and genuine, but humility tells me I just did the best I could under the circumstances. I wish I could have done more for Zoey, who lost so much. Because of that, I have a tendency to overcompensate and go above and beyond what is usually expected. I cherish the special bond that exists between us. I can only hope others enjoy the same passion and joy with their children as I do with my daughter.
However, there are moments when children ask tough questions. Often, at that moment, we find ourselves in a quandary, deciding whether to give a truthful, straightforward answer or to sugarcoat in the interest of protecting them.
When Zoey was younger, she asked recurring, tough questions about how her mother died. Questions of how and why she got cancer, why medicine couldn’t save her, and specific details of how she died. With each answer, I could see that she pondered further, trying to make sense of it all. It was natural; she was at the inquisitive age. She’d come to learn that her home life was not the same as that of her peers at school. She now realizes that girls in her situation-who grow up with only a father-develop a unique perspective on life.
Another thing that happens when you’re a single father raising a daughter is that you often get caught in tight spots, such as entering a men’s room with no changing tables. Or when shopping for clothes, you get stuck trying to match the proper tops with bottoms. Or you’re the only father attending kid’s birthday parties. Let me tell you, at those parties there’s way too much gossip- not the best place for a dad!
Over the years I’ve learned to appreciate both maternal and paternal roles. Obviously, I can never replicate the true maternal role, but I do make an honest attempt. However, there are moments when Zoey asks mom-related questions that I struggle to answer such as whether or not I can French braid her hair, what’s a tampon, why do girls wear makeup and how old does she have to be to wear it? Looking back, probably the correct response would have been, “You are beautiful now; there’s no need to wear makeup!”
As a parent, moments like these are truly precious, especially when children catch us off guard with humorous questions or statements. Of course, I’m sure I used my fair share of dad jokes along the way. I look forward to laughing about them together with Zoey one day when she’s old enough (which is scarily approaching) faster than I could have imagined.
As a parent, you are a role model for your children. Despite their infatuation with celebrities and athletes, you are still their most influential individual. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns, just like a roller coaster. Shrug it off. Choose your battles. Not everything has to be a a crisis. Love your children unconditionally and embrace them as much as you can. And yes, even when the next meltdown occurs, it’s okay. It’ll eventually subside. Either that or you’ll join them in the meltdown.
Values will come and go throughout life. And as we age, our children remind us of those values we once taught. In the end, all you can do is smile.
Self-Reflection Footsteps
There aren’t any secrets to parenting, but logic, reasoning, and intuition usually prevail.
Make sure your children are a top priority: schedule time to play, hang, cuddle, go places, and be together every day
Go ahead, have fun-smile, laugh and be silly. A child’s smile and laughter will always brighten your day.
Order Your Copy of Keep Those Feet Moving-A Widower’s 8-step Guide on Coping With Grief and Thriving Against all Odds here.